Being Scared

I don’t know what gave me this genius idea to document my demise. I guess me being an artist I have the need to tell the world about my disability and what could possibly go wrong,not that anybody reads these anyway. 

Today was quite interesting. I had to go to the hospital to pick up more film for the doctors in Dallas to see. As usual I sounded like a robot when I spoke. I was talking to somebody whose son happened to have Spinabifita similar to mine. He said when his son has pressure headaches he presses his hand on top of his head to relieve the pressure so I tried it and it actually worked and I temporally stopped talking like a robot. 

Once again as I was unlocking my door it took awhile for my brain to send the signal to unlock the door. It felt odd to stand there and wait for the signal. I wish I wasn’t going through this. I wish the doctors were better informed back in 1970 when it was installed. I wish they would have told my mom to have it replaced when I turned 20 and not 47. I wish there was somebody here to help me,hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. 

As I was doing more research. I was getting scared and I literally started crying. 

It is over whelming of  all the information on a ventriculo peritoneal shunt and what could possibly happened if a replacement doesn’t work. Blindness, pressure headaches, seizures and even the inevitable. 

I am mentally preparing myself for the process of a replacement. I am doing everything I can physically do before my trip to Dallas. So I’m cleaning up and cleaning out my apartment. I am taking care of business.