Story; Life of a Crippled

I lead a lonesome life and I guess that’s okay. I don’t really go out unless I plan it a week in advance. I try to make it worth the while but sometimes I just have to be around people. 

I go out a lot by myself. I come to realize it’s just better that way. I meet people where ever I end up. I sometimes even meet friends in these hole-in-the-wall places. Overall I just need to be around people.

I’ll go out just to talk to other humans. Is it worth it? I don’t know. It just depends on how drunk I am. Sometimes in my drunken stooper I’ll talk to them. Have a couple of drinks with them and maybe a night cap afterwards. If it’s worth it. 

 I’m going to start doing things by myself again. I kinda have to now. No-one is willing to hang out with a crippled, especially one in a wheelchair. I guess that’s what life is like when you’re born like this.

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Sleeping

Yesterday I was in bed by 10 and I cried myself to sleep. I really need to STAY OFF THE FACEBOOK! I just don’t learn my lesson. I’m like a child that begs for her favorite candy but just doesn’t hear the word “NO” 

I feel cheated. I feel cheated because some people claim to be friends but in reality they are not. They just don’t have the balls to tell me to my face they don’t want to be friends and to leave them alone. But instead choose to pretend to be friends just so they don’t have to “break up” with me. They run around with other people and then when their conscience finally gets the better of them that’s when they choose to call me and ask “if it’s okay to come over.” Because after all we’re friends? Right? And I’m the stooge so it’s okay to do that. Why do I keep picking these type of people as friends?

Feeling Unwanted

The day my Baby Panther passed away a.k.a. my cat I filled the tub with water and I submerged my entire body in the water in great hopes that the water would take me away. As I felt myself being taken away by the water I came up for air and was crying because I wanted to be with him. This is how I feel today.

He was my only true friend. He loved me unconditionally and he didn’t care that I am a cripple. He was happy to see me everyday and he always made sure I was safe. I miss him so much.

I often wonder what would have happened if I would’ve let the water take me away. Would I have been reunited with him? Is it too late to contemplate suicide at my age? Do people really miss each other when someone dies?

Vp Shunt malfunction: talking like a robot. 

Today was a new symptom. Today’s symptom was sounding like a robot.  I was having a conversation with someone and I was literally talking like a t.v. robot.  I was putting spaces in between each word. It was kind of amusing and it took every ounce of energy and concetration to carry a conversation which made my head hurt. It literally hurt to think. 

I’ve also been crying because not of loneliness but because,  I feel alienated…and scared because I have to go through these symptoms by myself. It’s scary to know I may have temperary blindness or possibly lapsing into a coma while I’m knapping. 

I step outside everyday so I don’t become claustrophobic. It’s hot here in Texas right now but I need fresh air and sunlight.

I’m going to try to draw or paint just to keep my mind busy. It’s going to be a long week.