Not resolutions, goals.

I haven’t done an entry like this in a while so here it goes.

I don’t usually make resolutions for a new year but this year has been particularly challenging and quite depressing. I won’t go into much detail but let’s just say I’m exhausted and ready to throw in the towel and give up on life.

I’m just not good at being human. Everything that could possibly go wrong in life has gone wrong in mine.

For starters my income was cut in half because as a disabled person, I chose to be productive instead of letting the government financially support me. I have thought of giving up my job to gain back my losses but what good would that do? I would just turn into a recluse. 

I’ve had to struggle hard each and every day this past year just to make ends meet. My friends and family have helped me along the way which I will always be eternally grateful for but still had to let go of some my amenities and pride to ask for assistance. This is something that I thought I would never had to do because I have a hard time asking for help.

Another thing  I struggle with getting people to take me seriously. I have always had a hard time letting people know how I truly feel. I let too many people tell me what to do and how to do it. I also have a bad habit letting others disrespect me, especially men.  I get intimidated into doing things I really don’t want to do or I get excluded from participating in certain types of activities. I let myself get intimidated by people’s words and actions. I’m not going to argue or fight back because to me that’s wasteful and leads to nothing. Therefore; leaving me feeling depressed, angry and hostile. 

I’ve been suffering from a lot of stress and anxiety. I’ve gained weight. Weight that I do not want. I went from a size 4 to a size 7 in the last 5 years. I have high blood pressure and my cholesterol is a little high. I need to cut down on a lot of things.

I don’t make resolutions. I make goals. My goals for 2017 are I’m going to try to find another source of income, even if that means switching careers. 

I love being a Paraprofessional. It’s very rewarding but unfortunately it doesn’t pay me enough to stay. 

It’s not going to be easy since companies are hesitant to higher the handicap. We are looked upon as a liability and not an asset. But I’m tenacious. I’m going to show that I’m an asset. Next; My apartment is small and falling apart. I need something bigger, safer and at a reasonable price. 

I’m going to lose 15-20 lbs and try to gain muscle tone, grrrrr. I going to start eating healthier and exercising at least twice a week. 

I’m not going to be a coward anymore. I’m going to tell people how I really feel and live with the consequences afterwards. I’m going to stop getting bullied by other adults especially, my friends and family. I need to get rid of the toxic people in my life and enjoy living again. 

 I let too many insignificant things clutter my mind. I’m going to start letting go and if things happen I’m just going to let it happen without looking back. I need to gain knowledge and strength from allies, super heroes and cheerleaders. 

Oh yeah, I also want to sing in a metal band. When I was going through a very dark period in my life, I contemplated suicide alot. Well, one day I was listening to one of my favorite songs and was ready to end it all but as I was thinking about it I started singing out loud and realized I wasn’t tone deaf. From that day on I’ve wanted to sing in band. So if anybody needs a lead vocalist,  I’m your “man.”

I’ve been praying my rosary everyday since my downfall and been blessed with small miracles along the way, But I know I still have a long way to go.

Happy New Year Everybody! 

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