Day 3

…..of feeling like poop. At least I don’t have a throbbing headache anymore and I’m not walking around in a total haze. So I finally broke down and had myself a good, strong cry realizing what a gigantic tool I actually am. Maybe that’s just what I needed a great big slap of reality. Why do people like to screw me over? I’m going to work with puffy eyes today. I hope nobody notices.
I was sitting in the tub with my face submerged in the water contiplating. … life…and what I’ve done to deserve this. I just have too much faith and trust in people. I hate it when others, especially total strangers make a feeble attempt at giving me advice on what I should do or what they believe is good for me. “Please stop telling me to pray or asking me if it’s okay to pray for me.” Praying may work for other people but it just doesn’t for me. What I need is somebody real to talk to, somebody that will actually listen and actually have the balls to tell me the truth.
Here I go playing the part of a human….again. “Remember smile and wave so people know there’s nothing wrong.” I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I can’t. I’ll just end up throwing it back up. Maybe a cracker here and there but not any “REAL” meals. This is my fault I shouldn’t have been checking my email at 4 am. then I wouldn’t have seen what I saw. I hate not being able to sleep. I’m so damn stupid and GULLIBLE! I really don’t feel like being here today. I haven’t done anything but mope and cry for the past two days. I need to try and get past this. I haven’t been this depressed for over 15 years. I need to talk it out or hug it out….I don’t know. Whatever people do to make things better.

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