You lay dormant from the time you are born until you leave your parents house then one day you erupt like the volcano that you are and realize it is the most refreshing experience you will ever have in your life.
I live across the street from a store. Once in a blue moon, when I can muster up the strength to leave my confines, I will actually go in my wheelchair to get a snack. Well on this particular day I was going around the corner and I see this car parked on the handicap ramp. I had to go around this vehicle, try to squeeze through the little space and what was left of the ramp so as not to damage my chair, almost falling off the sidewalk and out. This is not the first time it’s happened. I see this all the time and everywhere. In stores, malls, theatre and even on public schools.People park their cars in the most inconvenient places. I’ve even seen them park in front of a ramp. That’s even worse because my domain has a ramp in front of it for a reason. I’m in a wheelchair, I need to use it so I may be able to get into my home safely. Please don’t park there I need to use them.
…..of feeling like poop. At least I don’t have a throbbing headache anymore and I’m not walking around in a total haze. So I finally broke down and had myself a good, strong cry realizing what a gigantic tool I actually am. Maybe that’s just what I needed a great big slap of reality. Why do people like to screw me over? I’m going to work with puffy eyes today. I hope nobody notices.
I was sitting in the tub with my face submerged in the water contiplating. … life…and what I’ve done to deserve this. I just have too much faith and trust in people. I hate it when others, especially total strangers make a feeble attempt at giving me advice on what I should do or what they believe is good for me. “Please stop telling me to pray or asking me if it’s okay to pray for me.” Praying may work for other people but it just doesn’t for me. What I need is somebody real to talk to, somebody that will actually listen and actually have the balls to tell me the truth.
Here I go playing the part of a human….again. “Remember smile and wave so people know there’s nothing wrong.” I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I can’t. I’ll just end up throwing it back up. Maybe a cracker here and there but not any “REAL” meals. This is my fault I shouldn’t have been checking my email at 4 am. then I wouldn’t have seen what I saw. I hate not being able to sleep. I’m so damn stupid and GULLIBLE! I really don’t feel like being here today. I haven’t done anything but mope and cry for the past two days. I need to try and get past this. I haven’t been this depressed for over 15 years. I need to talk it out or hug it out….I don’t know. Whatever people do to make things better.
People make me dizzy and frustrated.They talk a lot. Talk….a…lot! They talk so fast and so much and all the time. It seems like their voices get louder and louder as they keep talking. And they sit too close and talk too close. I sometimes don’t know how to speak to people or what to say to them.
Day 2 of feeling like a zombie. I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are puffy from crying myself to sleep. I get up still with the pounding headache. I’m still in a daze or fuzz from yesterday. I really need to stay off my computer that late or early which ever comes first.Why do I let people get to me? Skip the shower and a ponytail will just have to do today. Well at least I didn’t forget to brush my teeth. “Smile and nod your head so people will know that there’s nothing wrong.” I also have to remember to pay attention and try to stay focused to keep up an appearance. I really don’t know what I’m doing today. I’m suppose to do something important I just don’t remember what. I just realized how monotonous my job actually is. My head feels like it’s going to explode. Have I eaten today? I really should eat something before I get sick. Wouldn’t that be great. There were donuts in the break room today. Not even a donut will make this feeling go away. I think someone tried to talk to me yesterday and last night. I didn’t answer until bedtime. I almost started crying during a reading session today. I have to stay focused. The way I feel I just don’t want to be a part of life right now. I knew this was all too good to be true. I’m not allowed to be happy. I’m not important enough for people. I’m just somebody’s token handicapped friend.
I’ve had a horrific, stress and anxiety related headache all day. I haven’t been able to eat because I will just end up throwing it back up and I’ve been crying all day but stopped just long enough to go to work so my fellow co workers will not ask me what is wrong. I’ve been in a daze all day. I think people spoke to me today but not sure. I might have nodded my head and smiled a couple of times to show some sign of coherance, was I successful? I HATE MY LIFE. I tried listening to my favorite music but it isn’t working. It might’ve worked for about five seconds but keep going back to that exact same moment that upset me in the first place. I really need to stop playing on my computer at 4 in the morning then I wouldn’t have days like this. I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I take something but then I’ll have a hard time waking up in the morning. That’s okay, I didn’t need to sleep anyway.
Why does this SHIT keep happening to me?
This very short paragraph was written while suffering a stress headache.
I hold the hand drill steady in my hands.Taking the handle with my right hand and the point with my left,I bring the hand drill to my head and put the point to my forehead. I slowly start to turn it. I feel the tip touch my head. I continue to turn until I feel the tip pierce the skin. I start to feel blood trickle down and start to turn it faster. I hear myself scream in pain but continue anyway. The drill slowly starts to penetrate my skull, breaking bone and my screams become louder and louder piercing the air but I continue to turn. As I reach the soft tissue of my brain I can feel the drill cut my mind in two. I don’t care! I JUST WANT THE NOISES IN MY HEAD TO STOP!
Today I went to the mall to get a haircut. Suprisingly when I arrived there were a lot of teenagers. So I asked around and I was informed of The Greater Southwest Competition that had taken place earlier in the day and then I say “Why are they here?” Don’t they like going to REAL malls. I was responded with laughter and a great big giant “NO” but I digress,
I went to get a haircut. As I walk into the place I find out the girl that usually does my hair has already been booked for the day so I go to another person. Well I get to her station and she puts on the capes as not to get my clothes full of hair but before she puts them on I ask her if she would like for me to transfer from my wheelchair to her chair and she says “no, no that’s okay, you’re fine.” And so she continues with the prepping process. But then she starts to get on her knees and then I ask her again if she would prefer that I transfer to her chair and once again she says she’s fine and so I say “okay”. But I see she’s struggling with the wheelchair by stooping over and on her knees but she insists on cutting my hair in the wheelchair instead of asking me to transfer into her chair.
It’s okay to ask me or tell me to transfer from my chair to another spot.It’s not rude or insensitive or politically incorrect or an inconvenience to ask me to transfer. If it makes a job easier and I am physically able to do it I will transfer from my spot to another. Think of it like this; I don’t get a physical in my wheelchair because a doctor is afraid to ask me to transfer from my chair to an examination table.